Monthly Archives: February 2009

Little Black Shadows

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It’s late, and I’m so tired that I can’t sleep. The old “toss and turn” monster reared its ugly head. I tried to go to bed after a normal day of activity and an evening of great company, wholesome veggie food and a bit of wine (not too much). Despite my sleepiness, my brain will not allow me to sleep. So, I’ve been up, alone, browsing through old pictures, videos and missing old friends. I tried, in vain, to be productive. It only made things worse. So, I thought I’d write a bit and then try, once again, to sleep.

In my daily life, I’ve been noticing little black shadows surrounding me again lately. I have to look two or three times to make sure a person isn’t standing at my window or hiding in a corner. These little ones are a bit strong! I’ve seen about four today, or yesterday rather, and saw about the same amount the day before. I’m no stranger to this, as I’ve seen it often in my life. I’ve just had such a long period of inactivity since we moved into this house (about 5 years) that it surprised me. So, why am I suddenly seeing things now? I haven’t the slightest clue. But, after a visit from my Eldest Sister today, she said that she, too, had been “active” in her vision too. Well, that helped it make a bit more sense. In our lives as a family consisting of a lot of “visionaries”, we often see things in a sort of cycle together. We either dream the same things near the same time, or start seeing things that we can’t really explain. It never fails that we do this in pairs, or often times, all four of us. My mother, my two sisters and myself. What was even weirder was that I had just written a chapter for my book and it was about an older sister coming to visit one of the characters out of the blue. Then, literally less than half an hour later, my sister called to say she was coming up the next day. I haven’t seen my sister since December, so a sudden trip was totally out of the blue! How connected are we? :) Coincidence? I think not.

So, maybe the shadows were just a sign of a visit from my sister. Or, are they the shadows of my own mind playing tricks on me just to remind me that I’m never alone? I’m never really sure what I’m seeing at times like this. But, for whatever reason, it does make me appreciate life a lot more when it’s happening. I find it mysterious and wonderful. It never scares me. Maybe something just opened back up inside me and I can see all the spirits that have been hidden from my view? I guess I’ll never have an explanation. But, it’s nice to wonder what it’s all about.

I feel calmer now and a lot more relaxed. Writing about things does tend to help quite a lot… even if no one ever reads it. My eyelids are certainly much heavier. I hope that’s a good sign.

As a little side note, I used to fight the word “blog” when I wrote on here with my little stories and “articles” as I chose to call them. But, hey. I’m facing up to it. I’m “writing on my blog”. Dude. I’m bloggin’!

Also, War-N has been trying to help me get my proper gallery up and running for this site. I am a hard customer, so he’s told me ;) I’ve been very reluctant to post many pics lately as I don’t want to put some of my recent “collections” in the format of a regular post. They deserve a nice gallery, and War-N is helping to make that happen. Thanks, War-N. As usual, you help me get things done. You rock, sweetie!

Speaking of the galleries, this will (hopefully) coincide with a new look for christabelle.com. I’ve liked the trustworthy WordPress way of posting, but it’s never looked as I intended. Again, War-N is helping with that. I know a hungrylucy.com revamp is also in much need! But, we’ll finish the album first and then handle the website. I think completing the album is more important right now. Don’t you? The album is only the tip of the iceberg. Oh, just you wait!!

Well, I think I feel much better now. That’s nice.

Goodly night,

cb

Days with Indigo Update

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As some of you know, I’ve been writing my first novel. It’s titled “Days with Indigo” at the moment, but may change. I doubt it, but one never knows. A great alternative title may smack me in the face as I’m writing that I didn’t think of! But, for now, that’s what it will be called as far as I’m concerned.

So, I’ve gotten up to 22 chapters. Part 1 was chapters 1 through 10, and part 2 is chapters 11 through 22. I’m not going into it thinking each part will be a certain number of chapters. I’m just going and seeing where it takes me.

What I didn’t expect is to have a sudden realization this morning that I so obviously should have seen. To give an example, the main characters are Chloe and Indigo. Chloe is in a wheelchair and Indigo helps to take care of her. You can probably already see the realization now. Anyway, in the above picture, my Mimi (Grandmother) is in the wheelchair. That’s me, bad 80′s hair and all, on the couch. It didn’t hit me that I, in fact, was Mimi’s Indigo. I had been writing from Chloe’s perspective and didn’t really think about myself being Indigo. This isn’t to say that the book is about me and my grandmother. Not at all. I just found certain characteristics to be similar, and the presence of the wheelchair, of course. It’s like that old saying that says something like “if you want to hide something, put it in plain sight. No one will think to look there.” I wouldn’t have found myself in Indigo at all. War-N saw it, but I didn’t. Weird.

This writing process has been made even more emotional for me lately. I had recently watched a speech by Elizabeth Gilbert on TED.com, sent to me by War-N, and I haven’t wanted to stop writing since! It did me a world of good and I totally got what she meant. Thank you, Miss Gilbert. Ole!

After I finished part 2 yesterday I was so emotionally drained that I couldn’t bare to start part 3 just yet. I had to allow the characters to gel and settle into their current environment before I yanked them back out again and gave them another adventure. They were tired! :) I know that may sound weird, but that’s how I felt. I needed to feel the sadness and write from that same perspective later today. It has certainly worked.

Not only did I finish part 2 yesterday, but as a wonderfully indulgent mind-numbing treat, I thought I’d watch a movie. I wound up watching Evening and just cried like a baby by myself with Peanut on my lap. I had seen this movie three times before, but I react so differently each time I watch it. I know the story had a lot to do with it. My book, and the movie, make me think of Mimi. I have never gotten over her death, and probably never will. That isn’t to say I haven’t been affected by the other many, many deaths in my family. I most certainly have. But, there’s always a certain person in one’s life that they have a strong connection to. I was always with Mimi as a child and she was my everything. I was fascinated by her and everything she did. To me, there was no one else that could compare. Plus, you know how it is with your parents as a kid. You don’t appreciate what they did, and went through, for you until you are much older. But back then, Mimi was the top for me. I so wish she could be here to read my book when it’s finished. I think she’d like it, and she’d tell me if she didn’t! She wasn’t shy to voice her opinion.

What I have found very bizarre hen writing is that I forget my fingers are doing anything. I almost feel like I’m writing with my mind alone. I get into such a trance while writing that it kinda freaks me out when I go back and read what I’ve written. I think it’s because I can see it so clearly in my mind, as a scene/movie, or whatever you want to call it, and I just know what’s going to happen next. That doesn’t happen as much with lyrics. But it does often happen when performing live or when recording vocals. But this… well this is just fascinating to me as a first time writer. I love this process!

So, when the book is done and the story goes out to other people, I hope they can see the love that it was written with. It is certainly a tribute to loved ones, here and gone, as so many of the things I do are. But, the story is completely its’ own thing. I certainly drew from life to get the richness of the characters. I really don’t think one can write a completely new, fictional character without SOME similarity to someone else. I don’t think it’s possible. And with such wonderful people to draw from in my life, why fight it?

Finally, I hope that wherever Mimi is, she can see me happy and doing what I want to do in life. I often feel her presence and know she’s with me. I’ll always remember walking by the pond in the cemetery, the very same cemetery where her gravestone lies, and knowing she was always right behind me… watching me and keeping me safe. People will come and go, but they are never forgotten.

Much love to everyone, everywhere,

Christa Belle

Writing My Wrongs

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It’s me again. Still here. Been somewhat busy writing. Now, this writing I speak of is lyrical, musical and literary. While War-N and I as Hungry Lucy are still gathering songs together for our album, we still haven’t really begun the hardest task of finalizing everything. It’s so easy to write and get things to a solid state, but then, the harder work comes in. Making final decisions on where breaks go, what instruments work, how many harmonies and whether the song still sounds good after all that. Then, we have some other wonderful side things going on that we want to do, but that will unavoidably put a bit of a hold on more progress. Not enough to bother with, so no big deal there. Who knows. Maybe it will help us see more clearly when we return to it? It’s pointless to try and figure out why one weekend brings two complete songs and others bring nothing. It’s all in the moment and what those moments bring. You just can’t plan it. Believe me. We’ve tried!

Secondly, my literary writings are going very well. Up to a beefy (or soy based) 18 chapters now! I didn’t quit… woo hoo!! I don’t even want to think that my story wouldn’t get finished. It would hurt way too much. All I can say is that it has taken turns I never thought it would and I am thoroughly enjoying this writing business. I always wrote poetry in my youth… I think I can say that now since I no longer have true “youth” any longer. And ya know what? I don’t want it back. I’m very happy at 34 years old and wouldn’t have it any other way. Anyhoo, I never really wrote much in the way of stories in my teens and twenties. Poetry is very different and requires a different discipline. I’m liking the novel way of writing very much. I can really get into telling the story instead of making sure it fits into a rhyme scheme or something like that. I can just write and write and then go back and edit later. It’s not better than poetry, just very different. It’s wonderful! As of now, I’m well on my way into the heft of the story and I already know how this book will end. I do know that I believe it will require a series to get all of the story told that I want to tell. Awesomer still!! :) I’m already thinking on how I will release this monster of a book once it is finished. I think having released all of the music ourselves in the past, I can better deal with releasing a book independently as well. But, mayhaps I should just finish it first and then go from there, yeah? I’m always a step further in my head than I should be. Can you tell?

Thirdly, there is something I do want back. My natural hair color! I got a little crazy due to a wild hair up my ass recently and decided to go partially red on me head! I liked it at first and had grand visions of doing more colors and cutting more and more off to end with a final shave. Well, that plan quickly went right down the old crapper. I’m so sick of not seeing my true self in the mirror. I never thought in a million years that I’d miss seeing “me” so much. I thought about having less hair as well and realized that was no longer what I desired. I’ve done all that and don’t need to revisit it at this juncture. I found it rather refreshing and lovely that I didn’t want to not look like me. Mission accomplished in a weird way. So, I go back to black (or dark brown, really. I’m actually highly allergic to black hair dye! Oh, the horror!) this coming Wednesday and I can hardly wait. I see myself in the mirror this way and just don’t like it at all anymore. I keep waiting for the girl I know. She’ll be back very soon. This is what I looked like at the first day of the red phase:

Not bad, but just not me. Plus, I feel so bad for red heads now. Its incredibly hard to find anything to go with my hair in the clothing department! My trusty blue shirts that I love so much look so disgusting against that red. Ack! Plus, I can’t wear my fave red lipstick at the moment because it looks absolutely horrid with the red in my hair! My admiration goes out to redheads everywhere for looking as good as you do. I can’t pull it off. I’m a brunette. And for the first time in a long time, I’m realizing how special that is for me.

In more personal news, I have been happy to see so many people in the world embracing our new President. I am one of them. I think I’m just more quiet about it. I love that he’s president now. That’s about all I have to say about that. Yeah, I totally Forrest Gump’d it! Now, where’s my box of chocolates?? Oh yeah. It’s in California ;)

In general, I feel happy but a tad nervous. I’m up at nearly Midnight (you see, this is late for me because I am getting old!) because I started thinking of all of these things War-N and I have, and need, to do. That made me wake up and not be sleepy any longer, as I tend to do. And, while I want to do these things, I am so nervous that I’ll screw something up. I just hope everything coming up turns out well. That’s all I want. Geez. We do get ourselves in quite a state worrying, don’t we? It doesn’t help anything and we know this. But, it’s hard to stop it happening, too.

So, that’s my ramble for the week. Still missing “Tea” and looking forward to it’s return.

Hope you all have a great February! I intend to in a major way!!

Good Night. Sleep Tight.

Much Love,

Christa Belle