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January 31, 2008
A Sense of Calm
Today, January 31st, I feel very much calm and happy. I had breakfast with my War-N and that always makes for a good day!
As we sat and talked, I realized how unusual our relationship really was. I always hear people say how “marriage is hard” and I just don’t know why? I know we don’t have kids, so that is a different scenario. But, to have to “work so hard” to be with the one you love…well that just seems so strange! My Mother once told me that the more time I was married, the more time I would appreciate having to myself. Sorry, Momma. I don’t feel that way yet. I’ve been with War-N for 10 years now and I still feel the butterflies when he comes home. Whenever this “work” is supposed to come into play, please don’t tell me. I’ve avoided it thus far and we are both the better for it!
I think maybe people work too hard to make something work that shouldn’t. “They say” it’s all about sacrifice, compromise and all that jazz. Why? If you aren’t with someone who appreciates all of your quirks, methods and madness, why are you with them in the first place? And before you say something, no. This isn’t a ramble about how perfect my marriage is. I’m simply going through the thoughts in my head trying to figure out what a “normal” marriage is judged by. And I’m certainly not judging anyone else’s marriage. Just thinking out loud on my blog. That’s allowed, right? 
I also feel like there’s a difference in “working things out” after an argument and “working to stay together”. All couples have arguments, no matter how big or small, and have to find a resolution. But, to have to constantly find a way to want to stay in the same house? That must be a terrible feeling. Well, I know. I used to feel that way long ago, before War-N. That brings me back to a comment War-N said this morning about how divorce can be a good thing. For example, in the 50′s and 60′s people just didn’t divorce. It was not done! It was looked at as a sign of giving up or abandoning your spouse and family. But, I have learned that it can also be a sign of giving up on yourself if you DON’T get a divorce. Complacency. How terrible!
I think this came about by watching the film “51 Birch Street”. A WONDERFUL film! It’s a documentary about Doug Block and his family. I’ll say no more than that, as it will ruin it for anyone else. I’ll simply say you MUST see his brilliant film and learn everything you can from it!! I certainly have. Not just as a viewer, but as a future film-maker.
So, I hope I am never “normal” (I haven’t been by any standard thus far!) and continue to live in a calm world with my non-normal husband. Life is what we make of it. If someone is always telling you to give in, compromise or not be yourself, where is the life in that? I’m very luck to have found War-N. It wasn’t an easy road at first, by ANY means.Obstacles everywhere. But, as our buddy Clete Francis said, “If we can get through this, we can get through anything!”. You said it, Clete!! I think that’s why we’re such a strong couple today. We learned what we were early on. We embraced it and never looked back!
I hope you, yes you, are happy and know who you are within yourself. That’s the key to finding true happiness!
Much Love to everyone!
Christa Belle
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At 9:23 pm on February 24, 2008, Bibo commented:
I too feel the same way, I think we just found the right match! We don’t have kids either but I’m not sure if that really matters. I’ve worked with people that seem to do whatever they can to avoid going home. From finding or creating extra work or going out to the bar with “the guys” every day after work. Maybe I’m just weird but I’d rather go home to be with my wife than work overtime or hang out at a bar.
I did spend close to 13 years with the wrong person thinking things would get better, luckily a coworker noticed this and encouraged me to meet my wife to be. 10+ years later we’re still together and happy.
Our local paper just printed a story about a faith-based initiative called “The Married for Life Club” through some organization called “Winning at Home” (just makes me think of the Revolting Cocks song “Viagra Culture” I must win!) where the couple makes a commitment to remain together. And since it is faith-based” they don’t want them getting divorced. Some couples were talking about how they were already fighting their 1st year of marriage. So basically be miserable but pretend all is well I guess.
At 1:46 am on March 3, 2008, Way-N commented:
marriage is not about your feelings but about order in males and females world
nature wants to protect herself from chaos
people can live in very difficult situations and be themselves also in marriage
At 5:53 am on March 17, 2008, Rodelion commented:
How lovely to read how your marriage just ‘works’
I think a relationship should not exist by the grace of continuous struggle. That is wrong! There’s enough battle in life as it is, and a truthful, non-selfish love for the spouse bears no arms.
Thank you for sharing these words, which give hope. And indeed, you are by no standards normal
I love your music, and you too, as a friend. Peace unto you.
At 8:34 am on April 16, 2008, Laura commented:
This post has really struck a chord with me, too. I don’t understand people who don’t want to spend time with their spouse. That’s why I married mine – we want to spend as much time together as possible! I don’t think some people really think before they get married any more. It’s easy (relatively speaking) to get out of it, so they don’t face up to real issues ahead of time. Then later on they find that their values are quite different. That’s not something you can compromise on, so where does that leave you, right?
Everyone should take their time and enjoy a relationship for a long time before getting married. That’s just my opinion. That said, I knew right away I would marry Neil. But we knew each other 2 years before we married.
In my experience, having children can have a huge impact. Even the best marriage on earth can can be strained because parenting is incredibly hard. At least for us! Most of our disagreements and/or bad moods come from emotional exhaustion from trying to be good parents. It depends on your child, of course. Some kids are a piece of cake, I hear. Ha! But if your child had a health issue or learning disability, for example, the strain on even a great relationship is huge.
Guess what I’m trying to say is that it is all in the compatibility. You don’t have to be two people who are exactly alike, but you have to have similar values and some common interests to share. Otherwise, what’s the point?
Thanks for sharing about this. It really made me stop for a moment and appreciate my family!